All of the following tips are based on this simple principle: Attention to
bad behavior increases bad behavior (yelling, lecturing, scolding, spanking and
punishing are all forms of negative attention), while attention to good
behavior increases good behavior.
1) Notice good behavior and give attention to it. Anything you see that you
want to happen more often -- let the child know you like it. Say, "You
guys are doing so well playing together today! That's great!" Then go over
and touch the child affectionately or give a high five. This will help make it
happen more often.
2) Positive attention to good behavior can be a smile, a touch or praise --
or all three -- but do it right away and be specific about what it was the
child did right every time. "Great job taking your dishes to the
sink!" works better than "Great job!"
3) Instead of saying "stop" or "don't" when you see bad
behavior, find the "positive opposite": Figure out what you do want
the child to do instead. So "Don't leave your socks on the floor"
becomes "Please put your socks in the hamper." If they comply,
remember to praise them! "Wow, you did what I asked! You put your socks in
the hamper!" You will have to say "stop" and "don't"
once in a while -- that's normal -- but you will have to say it much less if
you are praising the positive opposite.
PHOTO
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Dr. Alan Kazdin heads up the Yale University... View Full Caption
4) Enthusiasm counts. Let them see how thrilled you are with their good
behavior!
5) Start a reward system for a child who rarely does what you ask, but make
a game of it. When you are both calm, tell him it is a game and practice giving
a pretend request like "Please go to bed." Then give him praise and a
point when he goes the first time you ask him to. If he doesn't do what you ask
the first time, say, "I can see you're not ready to do it right now, you
don't earn a point right now, but we'll try again later." And they don't
earn a point. If the child then turns around after you've said that and does
what you asked, then praise her effusively, but don't give her a point. You
want to get the child used to doing what you ask on the first try. The key is
practice and role play. Give him a reward point for doing a successful pretend.
Show him the rewards he can earn by doing what you ask right away without
complaint. Rewards can be anything a child really wants, and don't always cost
money. Maybe they get an extra story at bedtime or get to go shopping with mom.
6) Give an instruction only once. Don't foster greater disobedience by
giving it a lot of attention. If you focus on their defiance, it will actually
increase.
7) Learn to ignore -- or actually walk away -- from annoying behavior. When
you stop giving attention to annoying behavior, there's nothing in it for the
child. When you first start doing it, your child may actually throw even more
tantrums -- because they're upset that their usual way of getting what they
want isn't working. Eventually they will see that it doesn't work anymore.
8) Your goal in a tantrum is to get past it. Stay calm yourself and your
child will calm down faster.
9) When you must punish, make it a brief and don't delay it. Don't add
punishment if the child complains. If they can't or won't do time out, take
away a toy or privilege for a specified time. Longer and harsher punishment
doesn't make it more effective.
10) Above all, put tip No. 1 into practice. Ideally, you should be praising
your child's behavior 90 percent of the time and punishing only 10 percent of
the time. Notice your child's good behavior and give it positive attention.
They will do more of it. Change your behavior and your child will change
theirs!
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